it’s a rare moment when i don’t feel good. i think i caught a cold, but i also blame myself because i ate like shit yesterday and didn’t finish my water intake. plus i was around farm animals yesterday, but isn’t a normal thing. so now i am miserable and can’t breathe through my nose.

so today i decided to stay home all day today and do nothing. so far, it’s been magical. i haven’t spent an entire day at my house, doing nothing, in months. why don’t i do this more? why do i always make myself do something everyday and not focus more on silence and nothingness. i don’t know but i’m going to make myself have more of these days, because it’s important for my mental health and stability. and i need to focus on that more or i will break.

SWEEPING DECLARATION: i will take more days like these, for myself.

in other news, i am drinking so much hot water and it feels great. I really want ice cream but i’m not hungry. i did eat a couple oranges, but i should probably try something else. i’ll get there. it’s only 1:30.

anyways, put yourself as a priority. it’s important.

hello beautiful humans. tis an amazing day to be alive.

this week has been challenging. i have had my ups and downs. but i have survived. so here is the best part, it’s thursday and my week is over. tomorrow i’m going to work for four hours then i’m out. straight outta there like a bullet from the barrel.

really the worst part is i’ve just worked a lot this week and i haven’t had a chance to sit down and just type my feelings and enjoy time to myself. i’ve had something to do and someone to be around all damn week and i haven’t had my alone time. i know it’s sad but i just need my time alone. i need it in order to function properly. truly. and i haven’t had a lame weekend of not seeing people and doing nothing in literally months. so i can’t wait for this weekend because i’m not going to speak to anyone but my dogs and my husband. i’m not going to go anywhere but the grocery store and the dog park. it’s going to be the best weekend of my life.

we also will be leaving for vacation in a couple weeks. finally some time out of the worst state in our country. that may not be true but i’m going for dramatic effect at this point. but regardless, i can’t wait to get out of a week and enjoy some beach time and sunshine.

i also did a raw vegan cleanse this week. it was the best thing i’ve ever done for my gut health. i literally only ate raw fruits and vegetables for five days. i feel like i weigh 50 pounds, it’s really cool. anyways, my poops have been magical. and i wish i could do something like this forever but i don’t think i can afford to feed myself this much all the time. i am thinking about just being vegan though. i know it would be good for me, and i adore all animals. but it’s not like a moral thing for me. i was raised on a farm and we ate whatever we had, which was livestock. but i know that it would make a difference in my health and environmental footprint. so i don’t know. maybe i’ll try it and see how it goes.

nightly thoughts. peace.

Hello again my sweet angels.

Isn’t it just a beautiful day? Spring has arrived here and we are enjoying some wonderful 65 degree weather. Windows open to smell the freshly cut grass. It’s an amazing day.

WHAT AN EMOTIONAL WEEK. Like for real. I literally cried every fucking day this week. Why you ask?

BECAUSE I FEEL EVERYONE’S FEELINGS. I’m a Cancer so it’s in my nature to feel things so incredibly hard. Yet I have the unfortunate ability to truly and wholeheartedly feel what anyone around me is feeling. I realize how crazy I sound and I can’t explain it but here I am.

Peace bitches 🙂

Stooooonnnneeeeddd. Stoned. Straight up, stoned.

Another week has come and gone again. The start of my week was good. Monday I took a personal day, and got some amazing news. Tuesday I had an amazing court hearing for an amazing family that I adore. Wednesday had a great recovery court. Then Thursday, fucking thursday. I got news that my first ever case, that I’m emotionally attached to and worked harder for than anything, is filing an appeal of their case. And there is a chance that it could actually be appealed. And if that happens, the past 16 months aren’t worth anything, everything just disappears. It was very hard on me. It broke me. Come Friday, I was in a huge funk. But then I met with my families, and I talked about it, and I felt better. Now I sit and enjoy you marijuana, and munch on some good food.

I promise I’m okay. Nothing is even for sure yet and everyone at the office said that it could never be appealed. But I need to relax.

So I’m going to go out with my husband and my best friend and not think about it. It’s going to be extraordinary.

It’s Sunday. The first Sunday in April of 2019. It’s an exciting time, but let me tell you why.

I didn’t mention it last week, or the week before, but so far I have written every one of these while drinking. I love drinking. It brings me great peace. You know what else I enjoy to do? Smoke marijuana.

That’s right. I live in a state where it is illegal and I smoke it damn near every night. It’s my favorite thing. So here I am. Stoned and getting drunk. On the most beautiful day we’ve had all year. It’s currently 67 degrees. Every window and door in the house is open and I feel like a spring flower in blooms. Another great thing about warm weather means that my little baby broccoli’s are outside getting some fresh air. Last week I got excited and bought broccoli plant, a cactus, and an aloe vera plant. I love having green in the house (hahahaha marijuana joke).

So it’s April, and finally spring has come. Now, my week.

The first week of April was really great. I had a good work week. I had a great social interaction week, I had a wonderful physical activity week, and I had a good mental week. Overall things were really good. I had such a great mindset and followed through with good intentions.

The big thing that happened this week involved my amazing husband. He had a big interview that will determine our short term future. The sucky part? We don’t find out the outcome until tomorrow… How does this affect our future you ask??

If he gets the job, then I have the opportunity to move one step closer to my dreams. I would apply for a master’s program in counseling. And hopefully get accepted and finish school.

If he doesn’t get the job, we would mostly likely leave the town we’ve been living in for three years and go back to where we’re from. Stay with family and figure it out.

Right now I’m hopeful that it’s him getting the job. But at the same time, being able to leave this stupid ass town would be great. It would give both of us opportunities to move forward. So either way I feel like I’m getting something good out of it.

Another week in the year gone. Where does the time go? It’s crazy to think we are almost half way through this year. 2019 is avoiding us and moving too quick for my taste. To slow down, I decided to not do anything today. Nothing. I didn’t leave the house, got stoned, and now drinking and cooking some good shit. Self care at it’s finest. Plus, I’ve had some really good sex the past couple days. The most important thing about a relationship. Which is a whole new topic to write about.

Until next week.

What a fucking week.

Currently I am drinking a mix drink of pineapple bacardi with sparkling grape juice. Which in all honesty is mostly bacardi and I have no shame to that.

Anyways, it’s been a fucking week. Now I say this every friday once I finally sit down on the couch with my large drink and start thinking about what I’ve done this week. But it’s been more of a week of trouble in my personal life than my work life.

This past weekend I was on call. From the grace of the universe I only had 2 calls…. From 8 AM Friday until 8 AM Monday morning. I only had two calls. This is something that never happens, truly never. But those two calls happened on Sunday. I was home by 9 PM Sunday night and went to bed around 10. So my problem is, whenever I’m on call I can truly never sleep. I have a fear that I won’t hear my phone ring. So I just don’t sleep. And if I do sleep, I have terrible nightmares about missing a call or with my current clients. But come Monday morning when my alarm went off at 6:10 AM I decided that I couldn’t function well enough to go to the gym…. Then I clocked out at 3:15 PM and got stoned at home. Which was amazing, and the first time in a long time.

Come Tuesday, I did go, but was late and only did 30 minutes of elliptical. That day was so good at work though. I started a trial home visit with a mom that I have such happiness for. She’s an amazing person and has conquered so much and I can’t tell you how happy it made me to say “your children are coming home tonight”.

Wednesday was a shit show. I didn’t make it to the gym. I was in the dumbest meeting of my life until 12. Then I had recovery court until 2:30. During that time one of my clients was higher than a kite, the other said that the service providers don’t help her, and the other cried the entire time. Again, shit show. Then I was at work until 7:30 PM for paperwork. After that my bestie came over with dinner and I love her for it.

Thursday, was lovely. First of all, it was finally over 60 degrees. For the first time this year my husband and I took the babies for a walk with shorts and flip flops on. Then we went to dinner with some good friends and got stoned at a park.

Friday was busy, but lovely. We had our all staff meeting, so everyone in the office was sitting and listening to our office director. It was cool because I got a shout out for being awesome (hell yeah). But it was also cool because it always makes me feel hopeful for my job. After that, I visited said parent that I love and then went to visit my favorite little guys that are a couple hours south. They are getting adopted by their great grandparents. Their parents haven’t seen them in over a year and they don’t even ask about them. It’s sad truly but they are the sweetest children I’ve ever met and they love me. On my way home I got a call from one of my mothers in tears. She was so upset because her food stamps hadn’t started yet. She had just moved to a new county and the office hadn’t figure it out yet. And I knew everything because I spoke with the office on Wednesday to set up her food stamps and sent paperwork for her. So when they still hadn’t figure it out, I couldn’t help but feel bad. She said that she worked with her home based worker to find some food pantries in her new area but they were all closed until Monday. She also tried calling family and friends for money to get food for the weekend because she had nothing to feed them in her new house. So as she cried I changed my route and went straight to her house. I spent 100 dollars on groceries for her and the family to help out. Would I get fired for buying her food? Fuck yeah I would. Do I care? No, because I won’t let children starve for a weekend.

I think the main problem is, I knew for a fact that my supervisor and office director would not approve of buying this mom and her children groceries on the Department’s budget so I had no choice but to do this. And it’s not the first time I’ve helped out a family money wise. But it’s fine.

Now the sad part is, I haven’t been to the gym since Tuesday and I feel like a fatty McFatFuck. But my period also started making me feel worse, and I’m extremely emotional. So when that mom called crying, I cried. My personal problem is I am extremely emotional no matter what. I have a huge heart and can’t not say no to anyone. But when I’m menstruating, I’m doomed.

I did do a few things sucessfullying this week! I drank my gallon of water everyday and I ate well! So happiness there. Then tomorrow I’m headed home to see my family.

Happy weekend!!

This week… I say this all the time to my mom when she asks how my week was, but it’s been a week.

Monday: I had a child and family team meeting with the family that I want to hurt the most. I promise I’m not a bad person, but I have never wanted to kill a person before I met this family. Not only was this my first case of my career, but it’s a case that I’m very emotional attached too. Brief summary, the child was removed because the parents starved him to the point of failure to thrive. They are both very low functioning, and don’t understand why we removed to this day (it’s been 15 months). Anyways, I strongly dislike them because they’ve visited with this baby that they almost killed maybe 20 times (2 hours a visit) in the past 15 months… And they decided that going to this meeting, which is solely for them, is “pointless”. Thankfully we will be filing for termination of parental rights on April 11th, and I can’t wait.

Tuesday: Welp Tuesday was pretty chill. I spent that day writing a court report and saw my favorite family at the library.

Wednesday: Took the one family that I hate (talked about them in the monday section) to visit their child for the first time since February 3, 2019. But just the mom, the dad pretends to be working… Then I had recovery court at 12-3. Which is essentially a service for parents that are recovering addicts with an open CHINS (child in need of services) case. During that session one of my clients bold faced lied to the judge about a provider (whom I adore simply because she does her job) about communication between the two. It was infuriating. It shouldn’t surprise me because people who are actively using will lie to get anywhere… If you don’t know.

Thursday: Took said family that I dislike strongly to said child’s doctor’s appointment at Riley Hospital. It was weird because it was the normal, mother didn’t interact with baby, baby is strongly bonded to foster parent, and I was the medium between everyone to prevent awkwardness. New fun fact, I hate awkward situations and will do anything to prevent them. I’m also generally the happiest person in any situation at all times, that’s just me. Regardless of how I feel about what’s going on. So after the visit I was surpised that bio mother actually wanted to talk about the situation and ask me questions. After that I was at the office for most of the day. Had an awkward conversation with a resource parent about my thought concerning a case but once I got home I decided to get so drunk that during this post I kinda gave up because I couldn’t think right. But here I am again 🙂

Friday: That day hasn’t come yet. But I am supposed to go straight to St. Vincent hospital tomorrow for another medically fragile baby that may be on the road to adoption if the parents don’t get their shit together. Then after that, see a mother that I’m pretty sure is using Methamphetamine again but is on a trial home visit…. The struggle with that case is, she is passing her drug screens, but I’m nearly certain she is using again. But at the same time I know that her children are better with her than anyone else. It’s hard… Then I’m on call all weekend. Which is basically like wanting to kill yourself for real. So that’s why I’m currently drunk writing this post, because after this I have to be of sound mind and body for the betterment of others around me.

Another fun fact is I am very much into the marijuana game. I smoke every night (unless I’m on call) but best believe I wouldn’t tell any clients or my work that. If they ever drug tested me, I’d be fired immediately. But I need it to get away from the night terrors I face every night about my past trauma and clients. Don’t worry we’ll get into that soon enough.

But for now, I wish you all a wonderful evening and a good weekend.

Love, life as i know it.

Hello. Hello.

This is my first time writing for something like this, so I apologize if I’m not following a correct format. I’m very new to the idea of “blogging”, but my therapist says this is a healthy way for me to cope with my daily struggles.

The purpose of this blog, as of right now anyways, is to talk about my life as I have come to know it. I’m only 24 but have lived a lot of experiences and maybe there are others out there that could benefit from hearing them. But here are some fun facts about myself:

1. I’m 24
2. I’ve been married for 3 years and with that man for 10 years.
3. I have three children, not human ones, but better.
4. I hate where I live.
5. I am a state employee for the child welfare department and work all the damn time.
6. And finally, I curse, a lot.

That should cover the basics for now. So, today is Tuesday, March 19, 2019. I’m currently at home on my lunch break enjoying the sunshine. I’m dreading going back to work because I have so much paperwork to do and I’m on call tonight… Which is by far the worst thing I’ve ever put myself through. Really I’m going to be complaining about my job more than anything on here, and how my job has forced me to get a therapist in the first place. But I feel like there isn’t anyone that really talks about how hard it is to work in my position. Because in reality, I work with the most dedicated and heart warming individuals in the nation. And let me tell you, we have the best stories to tell.

But for now, this is just a quick intro, I will be back with more life as I have come to know it.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton